Co-Ed Nekkid Midget Bowling

Um. I've been drinking. But I figure that if I can log in to a blog named kinipteurysm then I'm ok enough to write you a little somethin.

Need:
10 Little White Midgets
Saran Wrap
Hair Dryer
Slip & Slide
Baby Oil
Red Ribbon
1 Little Black Midget

1. Ok, begin by gently wrangling up 10 little white midgets and one black one.
2. Strip em down nekkid... it's not necessary, but far more amusing.
3. Individually wrap each white midget in saran wrap and carefully blow dry each of them until shiny. Don't overheat the balls... they scream loud for such little fuckers. Curl the little black one into a ball, wrap and blow dry.
4. Tie a red ribbon around each of the tiny white ones necks, to really make them look like a bowling pin.
5. Get the Slip & Slide rolled out and lubed up with the baby oil.
6. Set up the 'pins'.
7. Grab the wee little black one, insert fingers accordingly and roll him down the Slip & Slide.
8. Reset the 'pins' and take your next turn.

Ok... if your offended, sorry (not really).

If you think that this is the greatest idea EVER... let's be friends.

David And The PaintCult

I'm not famous. 

I'm not even close to famous.

Hardly anyone reads my blog. 

Lemme tell you about the people that do. 

David

David is my sister. She wears boxers and I think that she will eventually date girls named Bob, and Ken. David takes pictures of dead animals. We aren't sure if she kills them or not... but I suspect so. David writes a blog. It's about live animals... ironic? David has nicknames for everyone. My brother is Tina the Llama, Mom is BradLoaf (or Baldo). She knows better than to nickname me. I would kick her queer little ass.

PaintCult

I call her PaintCult because she is the leader of a cult that paints rooms and mows lawns. She lives about a million miles away on another planet. This planet is called Maseeeeenah (formerly known as Pluto). The people and plant life there are quite strange. The grass grows about ten inches every hour so they have to mow their lawns a lot. PaintCult lures unsuspecting friends over for beer and pizza. Sounds innocent right? As soon as the friends are there, drinking and eating and having a good time... she whips out her paintbrush. She then waves her paintbrush in everyones face, like hypnotizing people to paint. If that doesn't work then she gives them roofies and ties them up. The reason that I know it's a cult is because she wants people to paint like every day. How can a person have that much to paint? Yeah, it's definitely a cover for a cult. All I can say is that if she lures you in... don't drink the kool-aid!

Redd

Redd is my BFF. I've nicknamed her Redd (with two d's) because of the red hair and the double d's of course! I gave her the link to my blog... but she informed me that she has not read it yet. When she finally does she will love her new nickname!! Redd lives in a four-bedroom mansion. She has a jungle in her backyard. The jungle is filled with wild animals like cats and mosquitos. The mansion is so big that you could get lost in it. There are twists and turns everywhere! She even has 'the hallway of doors'. This hallway has seven doors!! It's like a maze. Redd has 'baby-daddy-drama' in an extreme way. I want to kick his skinny little ass and bury him in a three foot hole. I just can't let Redd know that I did it. 

Me

I live in a shoebox. I live with the ChildPerson and Nameless. We have a DogChild that likes to lick himself. 

DogChild is very hairy and likes to eat the bathroom. Despite his many quirks I love him very very much. 

ChildPerson is a lunatic. He values video games like gold. Life isn't worth living if there is not Wii or XBox. My major forms of torture involve taking away video games and electronics. 

Nameless is a big dumb douche-face that you will hardly ever hear about... he doesn't want to be blogged about for fear that the blog monsters will come in the middle of the night and eat his face and rape his anus. If I do blog about him in the future I will refer to him as Big-Dumb-Douche-Face, that way he won't know it's him. I probably won't ever tell him where my blog is anyway, and I'm not sure if he can read... so it's all good. It's kinda flattering that he doesn't want to be blogged about though. That means that he thinks that I'll be famous someday and he doesn't want people reading about him. So, I win.


That's all for now. As I add followers I will nickname them. Until I'm famous and have too many to count... then I'll just refer to them as the followers.

Trolls & Spam

Following up on the post from yesterday I decided that I should also post a list of things that make me really angry. If you notice that the same thing makes it onto both lists, well... that's how I roll.

Things that make me angry / furious / really pissed off

• ChildPerson - Occasionally
• BoyFriend - Pretty often (Like When He Insists That I Shouldn't Blog About HIm... and if I do Then I Should Call Him 'ManFriend' Because He Isn't a Boy *See Yesterdays Post*) Is it Me or Does ManFriend Make Me Sound LIke a Whore?
• Cake - When I'm Decorating It
• Work - Idiots
• Cats - Little Fuckers Make Me Itch
• Welfare Abusors - Low-Life Scum
• Wife Beaters - The People, Not the Shirt
• People that Judge - Really? You're that Perfect? I Think NOT!
• Whiny Ass Little Cry Babies - Awww, It Didn't Go Your Way?? Poor Thing!
• Laziness - It's Becoming an Epidemic
• The Tax That I Pay On My Cell Phone Bill For Lazy Welfare Bitches To Have A Cell Phone - Seriously?? You Don't Have a FUCKING JOB and You NEED a Cell Phone?? I Better Stop Now.
• United Negro College Fund - And You're Against Segregation?? Maybe You Need College to Fully Understand How Rediculous This Is
• People That Have Lived Here, In America, For a Decade & Don't Speak English
• Pressing 1 For English - What Other Country Does This? In France do You Have to Press 1 For French? I Think Not.
• Pollution - How 'bout That Oil Spill?
• Taxes - I Love Having My Taxes Taxed!! Yay Government!!
• Government - It's No Different From Organized Crime
• Cats - Little Fuckers Make Me Itch
• Untrained Kids - If I tell a Kid to 'Sit' then it Should Sit
• Untrained Dogs - See Above
• Liars - Why Lie? What Exactly is the Point?
• Cheaters - See Above
• Drama - And the People that Can't Live Without it
• Cancer - Ten Different Medications for Impotance... Where Are Our Priorities??
• Bad Drivers - Get Off the Fuckin Road You Dip-Shit
• Cults - Grow Some Balls and Be an Individual
• Terrorists - Give it Up, We're Stronger and Will Kick Your Asses
• Anti-War Activists - Yeah... Good Idea, Let's Stop Attacking Them So That They Can Come HERE to Attack Us AGAIN... Cuz That Was Fun.
• Soccer - It's Not Even a Real Sport
• Cats - Little Fuckers Make Me Itch
• Skinny Bitches - EAT Something
• Hippies - Grow Up, Get a Job and Quit Being Stoned, You Aren't as Young as You Like to Pretend
• Rapists - Really? Go to ANY Bar, Wait Long Enough and SOMEONE Will Fuck You Willingly
• Ass-Kissers - Quit Blowin the Boss and Get Some Fucking Work Done
• Racist Pieces Of Shit - Everyone Bleeds Red, Wanna See?
• Car Repairs - Hate That Shit
• Buffalo - The Animal... Useless
• Drunk People - That Are Too Close to Me
• Throwing Up - If You Like to Throw Up Then There is CLEARLY Something Wrong With You
• Hospitals - Slow, Impersonal and Overpriced
• People in General - They Irk Me
• Peas - Love 'em, But They Are So Damn Roll-y
• Tolls - Greedy Ass Government
• Trolls - Crazy Hair
• Cats - Little Fuckers Make Me Itch
• Spiders - Nothing Should Have That Many Legs
• Snakes - Nothing Should Have NO Legs
• Spam - Both Email AND the 'Meat' in a Can
• Amputees  - See Above
• Prisons - Just Kill 'em and Get it Over With So They Can Stop Livin on My Dollar (Ooooo... This Can Apply to Welfare Recipients Too!!))

I guess that I should stop before this gets too out of control. What's that? It has? Sorry (not really). Oh, you like cats? Yeah... I used to before I was allergic to them. If I touch a cat I start to itch all over and random shit starts swelling, and that just ain't right. Have you ever had your eyes swell shut? No? Then don't judge me you ass-pirate.

It's almost like those little fuckers know that I'm allergic too. I avoid them and they come closer and do that rub-on-your-leg thing. Great... now my clothes have allergy shit on them. Maybe my eyes will swell shut while I'm driving home and I'll spin out of control and kill everyone on the road... then will you be happy? No, of course you won't. Then please just get rid of the fuckin cat so that we can all live happily ever after.

Beer & Skittles

I don't think that a blog with all this negativity is going to 'float'.

I will blog once a week (at least) ((but I make no promises)) 
about happy things. Like rainbows and shit.

Ok, here is a list of things that make me happy.

• ChildPerson - Always and Forever
• Cake - Yum
• BoyFriend Manfriend - He Said NOT to blog about him! (does this count?) He Also Says That He Is NOT a Boy, So Therefore Should Be Called 'ManFriend' UGH
• Sister David - My Favorite He/She
• Brother Tina - My Favorite LlamaBoy
• Family in General - When they Behave
• Cake - Yum
• Uncle Jim - Keeper of the 'Mote AND The Flippit Kid!!
• Chocolate - On or In Anything
• BFF - She Frikkin Rocks
• Puppies - Not Mutillated
• Music - All Kinds
• Pop Tarts - Brown Sugar or Raspberry (only with frosting)
• Birds - Parrots Specifically
• The Smell of Permanent Marker - Mmmmmm
• Beer - Makes the World Go 'Round
• Skittles - Taste the Rainbow Bitchez
• Nice People - Not Many Left
• Laughing at Old People - Is It SO Wrong?
• Walmart - And the Creatures That Lurk There
• Elmo - Yeah, From Sesame Street... What About It?
• Snuffy - See Above
• Dolphins - Not the Team, the Mammal
• Drunk People - Not Close to Me Though
• Pizza - NYC Style Trumps All Others
• Vacations - Anywhere But Here
• Rainbows - Oooooo.... Pretty
• Fireworks - Bang Bang BOOM!
• Cake - Yum
• Bouncing - Anywhere
• Wasting Time - Cuz I Can
• Blogging - See Above
• Eminem - He Makes Me Feel Better About My Life
• Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper - Needs No Explanation
• Stephen Lynch - YouTube Him
• Midgets - They're Like Little Miniature People
• Penis - The Word AND the Real Deal
• Gay Guys - They're Tho Thweet (done with limp hand)
• Volcanos - They're Explosive!
• Cake - Yum
• Ice Cream - See Above
• Autistic People - They Rock
• Movies - Better than TV
• Bubbles - Who doesn't like bubbles??

Ok, I'm done for now... but this is a pretty kick-ass list.
If you ever doubt that I have feelings, or that I can be happy then please refer back to this list.

Oh... and this isn't in any particular order. I just typed as my mind wandered to all of the things that make me happy.

Clearly I like midgets more than Elmo.
I do however like to imagine that there is a little midget inside of the Elmo suit. But I know that there isn't. Finding that out was like when I found out that there wasn't a fucking Easter Bunny. It all probably has a lot to do with the way that I am.

Davids Song

David is my sister. Enough said... join me in song!
I can't get music to upload... so hum the tune in your head.
Or fuck off... whatever.



This grown man he played one
He gropes midgets just for fun
With a knick knack willy whack
Give a fag a bone
This grown queer came pimpin home


This grown man he played two
He screwed a vagrant with no shoes
With a knick knack peter whack
Give a fag a bone
This grown fag came swishin home


This grown man he played three
He played fuck-stick with a tree
With a nut sack bitch slap
Give a fag a bone
This grown fag came limpin home


This grown man he played four
He sucked balls and wanted more
With a slurp slurp little burp
Give a fag a bone
This grown fag came skippin home


This grown man he played five
He cock rocked a bee hive
WIth a buzz buzz sting
Give a fag a bone
This sore fag came gimpin home


This grown man he played six
He kissed a man on the lips
With a smooch smooch lick
Give a fag a bone
This wet fag came puckerin home


This grown man he played seven
He won't make it into heaven
With a awww and an ouch
Give a fag a bone
This hott fag went burnin home


This grown man he played eight 
He found a fagot mate
With a flim flam slam slam
Give a fag a bone
This tired fag came rollin home


This grown man he played nine
He tried to fuck a lime
With a pump pump and a little hump
Give a fag a bone
This sour fag came juicin home


This grown maaaaaan... He played ten
The horse raped him and he raped a hen
WIth an ouch ouch ouch and a 
Cock a doodle doo
This yucky fag had a big poo poo




My little sister thinks that she is a boy named David.
She wears boxers and mens clothing.
It makes me sad inside my face.
And my little brother is a Llama.
His name is Tina.
My Mom is bald and smells like 
used band-aids and ocean water.
My family is about as normal as any.
I love them all... even David.

Angry Inside My Face

These over-paid little bitches that I work with NEED to stop complaining about overtime.
I don't get overtime. Ever.
Would I like overtime? Uh... Yes, please.
But no.
In my bosses infinite wisdom... only the cry-baby assholes get overtime.
The ones that have nice houses and bitch about everything.
Those are the people that he chooses to pay overtime money.
I work with an entire group of fucktards.
Seriously. There are smarter people in the Special Olympics.
The people that I work with complain about the easiest of jobs.
Counting for instance.
If I were asked to come in on a Saturday to count... literally 1, 2, 3, 4 etc. and they wanted to pay me twenty-fukkin-five dollars an hour to do it, would I complain?
Yes, I would complain... if I had been dropped on my head as a baby.

These people are unappreciative bastards.
There are people that have been out of work for over a year in this screwed up economy.
One would want to believe that people would enjoy an extra 200 dollars a week.
Nope. Not these taint-lickers.

So... while I sit here, really angry inside my face.
With my eye twitching and my blood boiling.
I have decided that the only rational way of dealing with these people is to make them appreciate this extra money.
Every Saturday I'm going to show up at work and flatten tires, break windows etc. on their cars.
At least then they'll need the money for repairs.


This is the best way to keep myself from a kinipteurysm.
It's either this, or I'm gonna go postal.

Ass-hat Drivers

Ready? Oh Kay.
Hello, and welcome to my mind.
I probably don't like you, or care what you think.
Please feel free to keep your opinion to yourself.

I can't stand stupid people.
I REALLY can't stand stupid drivers.

Once upon a time I was driving in the fast lane.
My car was traveling fast .
All of a sudden I have some fuck-stain on my ass.
He was close enough to lick my tail light.
Totally NOT ok.
There was traffic all around so no room for Mr. I-Wanna-Touch-Bumpers to pass me.
So I do what any slightly psychotic person would do.
I slowed down to about half my speed, in less than 10 seconds.
Mr. Ass-Raping-My-Tailpipe behind me slammed on his breaks and dropped his StarBucks.
Awww. Now I felt bad.
I made him drop his Mocha-Choka-Ona-Cocka all over his purty little Lexus.

Now I look in my rearview and he is RAGING.
He is Mel Gibson pissed.
I seriously thought that his head was gonna start doing 360's.
I thought to myself that this was one HELL of a kinipteurysm.

This is just one kinipteurysm of more than a million that I have either had or given someone.
I'll be back to post more soon!